Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe Podcast Collection

00:01 - Intro (Announcement)
You're listening to Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe, Director of TORCH, the Torah Outreach Resource Center of Houston. This is the Jewish Inspiration Podcast.

00:12 - Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe (Host)
All right, welcome back everybody. Good evening, welcome to the Mussur Mondays. We today are going to start a brand new chapter in the book of Orchos Tzadikkim, Ways of the Righteous the book of Orch HaSaddikim Ways of the Righteous. We are in the Treasure for Life edition, on page 441, and we are beginning a new gate, the Gate of Anger, which is the 12th gate, the Gate of Anger.

00:36
Now, most of you that are here in this room and those of you that are online and those of you that are listening, probably this chapter does not apply to you, because what do you know about anger? Nothing. You guys are the nicest, calmest, gentlest, most patient people in the world, but our sages tell us that I'm not here to teach you. This is what the Mesilas Yasharim writes. The Ramchal, the great Kabbalist, writes he says I'm not here to teach you anything that you don't know. I'm just here to remind you of the things that you know, that you may have forgotten. And that's the attitude that our Muslim masters approach all of these topics, particularly when we talk about anger. Anger we all know off the top. Anger is not a good trait. It's not a trait that enhances relationships. It's usually the trait that destroys relationships. So if it's so severe and so serious, it might be worthwhile to spend some time mastering what is this trait and then learning to avoid any semblance of this negative trait. Okay, hakas himidora. So right off the bat, the author here tells us that anger is a very evil trait. Bikasha ha-garav mechali aguf kan. Kein hakas mechali anefesh. Just as Garev, which is a boils we all know boils is really not good for the body. It's unpleasant for the body. It causes terrible pain and dis-ease to the body. So too is Kas. Anger is a disease. It's a disease of the soul.

02:28
Our sages of blessed memory have taught us that anyone who gets angry, all types of Gehenem, gehenem is purgatory. Rule over him, as it is written remove anger from your heart and remove evil from your flesh. Anger, evil, same thing. It destroys a person. A person who lives with anger doesn't have peace in this world, and evil is nothing other than Gehenna, which is purgatory. Hashem, as it says in Proverbs, hashem made everything for his own sake, and even the wicked man for the day of evil. What's evil? Evil, we know, is when we're done with this world, if, god forbid, we aren't perfect in all of our different aspects of our life in all of our character. If we haven't been able to elevate ourselves and bring ourselves to a point of perfection, then what happens? Potentially, if one does not repent, then we get what's known as purgatory.

03:36
Other religions call it hell, and we don't believe in hell as being a place of eternal damnation. It also is very closely linked that also interestingly Judaism is the only religion that does not encourage conversion. Why not? Why don't we encourage conversion? Judaism is the only religion in the world that doesn't encourage it.

03:58
You come to some, a non-Jew, comes to the Jewish community. They say I want to convert. What do we tell them? Nah, not a good idea. What do you mean? You do that to Islam, you do that to Christianity. Right, they'll take you in, no problem. Accept this, accept that, do this, do that and don't forget if you don't, you're going to eternal damnation or we'll wage a jihad against you.

04:20
In Judaism we say no, no, no, no, no. It's fine. As a Gentile, you can get your place in heaven with just seven commandments, the seven Noachide laws, and beyond that you don't need to do anything. Why would you want to go into Judaism where you have 613 commandments, where there's an entire Torah to observe. So part of that is that we need to understand that we don't use intimidation and we don't use fear as a tool to get people into Judaism. Quite the contrary, we do exactly the opposite. What do we do? We discourage because we say that's not what it's about. It's not what it's about. You can be good and you can be great the way you are. You don't need to be Jewish to be great. Now, if someone still desires that and they want to accept the basic tenets and observance of Judaism, then we say welcome to the family. Okay, but that's a process.

05:18
Now we all know that after someone passes away, we recite the Kaddish. Kaddish is recited for how long? For 11 months, not 12 months. 11 months, why? Because it says that the righteous are punished up to 11 months and the wicked up to 12 months. Now we have to understand that this is really a challenging translation. Why? Because there is no time out of this world, outside of this existence, in this world that we live in, there's no such thing as time. So what does it mean? Okay, we're saying the equivalent of up to 11 months in our world.

05:59
Very interestingly, my grandfather, who was a very, very prominent holy saintly rabbi, asked in his will that his family recite Kaddish for him for 12 months, because he felt that he was a wicked person and he said he needed as much Kaddish as he can get and knowing that he was such a great man, it's obviously it sounds ludicrous Like why would someone say that? Obviously it sounds ludicrous Like why would someone say that? But he felt that he needed a repair, so to speak, of his soul for a longer period of time and the Kaddish provides such a holy and incredible elevation for the soul and he wanted my father was unsure whether or not to fulfill my grandfather's wish and he went to a very, very prominent rabbi in Israel, rabbi El Yashiv. Rabbi Yashiv, and he asked him should I or should I not fulfill my father's wish for me to recite the Kaddish 12 months instead of 11 months? Because onlookers, people in the synagogue who know that my father passed away, you know, more than 11 months ago might think that I am considering my father to be an evil, wicked person and therefore I'm saying Kaddish for 12 months. So the rabbi said to my father you can say Kaddish for 12 months, because anybody who knew your father would know that this was his request because he was such a modest and holy person that he did not consider himself to be righteous and because this was his request, you should fulfill it.

07:26
Okay, that's just a little side note, but we don't believe in purgatory as being a permanent place. It's a place of soul cleansing. We all know when you have dirty dishes, before you use those dirty dishes again, you got to clean them and sometimes you'll put it through a dishwasher. Sometimes you'll put it through a dishwasher, sometimes you'll put it through a sink with warm water or hot water and you'll scrape it and you'll scratch it. And you know, with those, with those foil or or what do you call those, those sponges, right, why is that pleasant for the plate? No, but you got to clean it. So, to the soul that needs a cleansing, clean it. So, to the soul that needs a cleansing, that's what is used. A purgatory is what is used to cleanse the soul of any blemishes. So that's it. It is Now.

08:14
If someone has anger, that's a big blemish and that will require such a cleansing. We see that one who is afflicted with anger is afflicted with many, many challenges. As it states. As it states, and Hashem will give you there an agitated heart and yearning eyes and a disillusioned spirit. So part of anger is really some really negative stuff. What is yearning of eyes and disillusioned spirit? That's piles. Some say that this is a digestive problem, that perhaps like an ulcer type of pain, which is from internal, from anger, that one can get an internal physical pain from their anger, from their disliking of scenarios of situations that are going on in their lives. Our sages said, furthermore, that one who is angry, even the spirit of Hashem, doesn't mean anything in front of him, nothing I want to just share with you. To those of you who are new to our class, you may not understand one principle that we've mentioned many, many, many times in our class and it could be a source of frustration in these classes. If you don't know this one principle, which I'm sure you know, I just want to remind you, and that is that the Torah is not the Washington Post.

10:07
The Torah does not give us any anonymous sources. There's no such thing as anonymous sources in the Torah. Everything must be sourced. I shared recently a story where I was thinking of a very, very novel idea on the Torah portion of the week and I went to my rabbi really excited. I was young, 17 years old and I told him the idea that I had on the Torah portion and I told him the whole drosh that I was thinking up in my mind and he said to me wow, that's really beautiful, what's your source? I was like I have no source, I just thought it was a nice idea. He says then it's garbage, because the minute we start just putting nice ideas and it's not grounded and sourced in something and you come up with your anonymous sources and you have stories that are preposterous. As we know, in the news at any given moment you can read some crazy story anonymous sources, anonymous sources, anonymous sources.

11:06
If something is truth, which the Torah is truth, we call it Torah Emet, a truthful Torah. What is Hashem called Hashem Elokeichem Emet? Truth is not intimidated by questions. Truth gets strengthened by questions and therefore, every time there's a phrase here in our teaching about saying, for example, that anger causes these physical ailments, there has to be a source for it and the author does not write anything, just saying, oh, it's a nice idea, I just wanted to share with you this idea. No, it has to be sourced and that's why every time the author writes something, he's always going to bring a source to it, so that no one can question the veracity, the trustworthiness of the teachings that he's sharing with us. O Amor Rabi Seinu.

11:58
Furthermore, our sages told us Imagine the presence of God. We all know the Shekhinah. The presence is like wow. Imagine if a lightning bolt came down right here on our table, here in front of our class. We'd all be in awe, because we have a fear of God, we have a fear of heaven.

12:20
Someone who is plagued with anger, even the holy presence of Hashem has no value to them Because they, just in the moment of anger, they throw off everything. If one gets angry, even the Shekhinah has no value, as it is written. The wicked man, when his anger grows, says that he will not inquire after my deeds. All his thoughts are that there is no God. That's what a person thinks when they're angry. Be'af m'shakach tamudah u'mosiv tipshos.

12:58
Also, a very, very important side note is that one who gets angered forgets things. They forget their wisdom, they forget their knowledge and silliness. Foolishness grows within them. Shinemar, because it states in Ecclesiastes, for anger resides in the bosom of fools. Uksiv, uksil, yifrosh iveles and the fool will spread foolishness. Ubi yadua sha'avonosev, merubim mizchuyosev. And it is also known that one who gets angered easily and one who gets angry frequently. It's known that such a person has more sins than merits. Shinemar ubal chemo rav pasha, as the verse states that one who is a man of anger is abundant in sin, and there's a terrible, devastating punishment for such a person. As it says in Proverbs he who has great anger bears his punishment.

14:16
Okay, now I want to just stop for a second and just think. What is anger? What is the source of anger? So the easiest way to identify anger is to look at a child. Why does a child ever get angry? Very simple Anybody. You ask anybody. Why does a child get angry? Because it doesn't go their way. I want it to go my way and you don't want to approve of my way. For example, a child wants to eat a candy. Parent says no, no candy, you can have that for dessert. You cannot eat again, but I want my candy. And the kid will yell and scream and get angry that their candy is not able to be eaten yet they have to eat their dinner first. And we as parents, look and like what's wrong with this kid? Look, and what happens as a result? Sometimes they can throw a tantrum, Sometimes they can break something, they can do something silly. Now take that same child, that child, and now make them look like a mature adult. It's the same thing, just.

15:25
You know, my mother had a sign on her refrigerator when we were growing up of my baby brother and my father. My father used to have a hobby of flying planes. He was a pilot and he would fly planes and he was standing next to his plane and my little baby brother had a little plane that he was playing with, also like one of these little, and my mother had a little plane that he was playing with, also like one of these little toys, and my mother had a picture of both of them and it said the only difference between men and boys are the price of their toys. And I say the only difference between children and adults is their size. Right, but adults are children in larger form sometimes, unless we train ourselves and educate ourselves to become more advanced in our self-control, in our self-awareness and in our ability to be mature and recognize that not everything needs to go our way and it's okay if someone doesn't think like me. It's okay if someone doesn't believe like me or vote like me or live their life like me.

16:35
Sometimes I've spoken to parents who were so angry at their children because their children don't run their business like they did and they don't act the way they did and they didn't marry the way they did and they didn't this. And the parents are projecting all of their perhaps mistakes, good choices, bad choices on their children and they want their children to live the life that they perhaps didn't live and that can cause sometimes a tremendous amount of pain and anguish. But definitely a person should realize that anger is not a solution to any problems. Anger is a response that's generally an unhealthy response. Nothing constructive generally comes out from anger.

17:18
Ve'ato ro'e rov b'nei adam. You will see that most people kishayim koasim u'mushas kim bekaasim ein misimim libom al maa she'osim be'rova kaas. You will notice, says the author, that when people get angry and usually when someone starts getting angry, they get angrier it escalates that they suddenly lose their ability to reason. They lose their ability to even notice what's going on. They become crazy. They do many silly things in their anger, what they would not do. They would never even think of doing it if they weren't angry, because anger makes you crazy. Have you seen someone throw a dish when they're angry, or someone break a table or pound their fist and do something silly.

18:16
I once was in a parking lot and this was frightening. I was once in a parking lot and I see someone ram their car into a pylon and back up and ride it right back into the pylon, and back up and right back into the pylon. And they were not a terrorist, it was someone I knew and I was looking like is this person crazy? So I waited. I saw one of their family members over there in the parking lot and I said is everything okay with them? They said, oh, they were having a conversation with someone about politics and they got so angry that they just didn't know how to control themselves. They just rammed their car into a pylon. Now that's that's that's. You think that's crazy? Right, that's crazy. Well, people do that all the time. People do that all the time with many, many different, in different ways.

19:09
Anger is a very devastating trait that has very significantly damaging results. What happens is that the anger causes one to enter into disputes and arguments and fights, bikinturim, and then it is impossible for the angry man to escape great sins. L'chein i'ef shashi inot tzala kasim mechatoyim g'dolim L'chein amar Eliyahu, l'rav Yehuda Eliyahu, and this is in the tractate Do not become angry and you will not sin. That means that one of the gateways to sin is anger. You kick open that door of anger and you're right there at the doorway of sin. So what is really happening is that when one gets into a mode of anger, many times what's the cause of it? It's my arrogance. My arrogance was affected, my honor was hurt and now I feel vulnerable. So I respond with anger, and that anger does not bring about good things for a person.

20:39
And our sages have said a man is recognized in three ways. A person is recognized in three ways B'shlo shodvarem, ha'adam nikar. A person is recognized with three different attributes B'kiso, b'koso or b'kaso B'echod mehem b'kaso. So what the tractate in Eruvin teaches us in the Talmud? That a person is judged by three measures Kiso, kiso means a person's pocket, how they give charity. It's not in how much money you give, but how it is given. Not how much, but how it is given. And that is the way a person gives.

21:27
I remember I had a student of mine who told me that when people come and knock on his door for charity, he decides how much he wants to give. So let's throw a number $10, $20, $50, it'll make a difference how much. It is $1,000. He says he opens the door, he gives them the money and closes the door. I was like I was shocked. I'm not going to waste their time. They're not getting more money out of me, they're not getting more money, so why should I waste their time? I give them the money and go. Go to the next guy. Don't waste time with me. I said I think that's a big mistake. In fact, the Torah tells us it's a big mistake because giving is not about the money.

22:08
Giving is about the way in which you give. In fact, one of the great commentators in Deuteronomy, one of the verses in Deuteronomy, says in Parsha's Kisavo, that when a poor person comes to you to ask for charity, it's really not a poor person. It's God masquerading as a poor person to see how you'll treat them. We think it's about the money. How much money am I giving him? That's it that counts. That's not true. It's the way. Do you greet them with a smile, do you offer them to sit down, do you give them something to drink, something to eat?

22:51
I once had three guys in my community. In my neighborhood there are people coming almost daily from the former Soviet Union, from Israel, many, many from Israel, but from all over the world, people coming, many from South America, coming to collect for some Jewish institution, for an orphanage, for a yeshiva, for you name it for a soup kitchen, you name it. They come to Houston, to our community, to collect and they go door to door in our neighborhood. They know that most of the family, most of the homes are Jewish homes and they go, they see a mezuzah, they knock on the door and they ask for charity. It was once three that came together, three people that came together and it was a Sunday night and they came and they're asking I said before, guys, just relax a second.

23:45
I said come inside, come inside, everyone have a seat. I said when was the last time you guys ate something? And they're starting to look. They're like we haven't eaten. Since Shabbos, which is Saturday afternoon, they haven't eaten. Now it's Sunday night. They haven't eaten in like 36 hours. I said everybody into the kitchen and I served them dinner. Those guys ate food faster than I can serve it. It was, they were so hungry and I realized that you know what.

24:12
I'm limited in the resources, but I'm not limited in the love. I'm not limited in the concern, in the care that I can show and the humanity that we can display, and I think that that's the bigger part of tzedakah that sometimes is overlooked. People think like, oh, they're giving so much money, right, it's not about the amount of money, it's the way in which you make someone else feel, the way in which, hopefully, I can one day merit to do that properly. But when the Talmud says that a person is judged by the way in which they give charity, it's not about quantity, because if it's a quantity, then think about this Elon Musk is worth half a trillion dollars. So imagine he gives a million-dollar donation. So what's that? For him? It's nothing. But imagine someone who only has a million dollars and gives a million dollars. They're giving everything they have. They're both giving to the same cause, but one is doing such a selfless act of giving, giving everything they have. The other person, it's just a penny for them. So it's not about the number, it's about the love and the way in which you're doing it. So when the Talmud says that a person is judged by their pocket, it's how you give charity. How you give charity is very telling.

25:40
Next is bikoso how a person acts when they're drunk. When a person is drunk, how do they act? You know, we've all seen people who are drunk. Some people, when they're drunk, are very pleasant, very kind, very loving. Their goodness comes out to the surface. And some people, they're drunk, are very pleasant, very kind, very loving. Their goodness comes out to the surface. And it's some people. They get angry, they get violent, they get crazy. Their insides come out.

26:03
It says that if you want, if you want to know the true person, the wine goes in the secrets, the cover-up goes out. There's no cover. We can cover, we can fake, we can make ourselves smile in front of other people, we can play the game, so to speak. Not when we're drunk. When we're drunk, that facade, that cover is off and you see the real person. So that the Talmud says is another form of. You want to identify someone, you want to know who someone really is. See them when they're drunk.

26:36
And the final one is Picasso See someone when they're angry. When someone is angry, then you're able to tell exactly what's going on. And how do they control that anger, meaning something that is angerable can happen, but they don't respond, they contain themselves, they remain calm, they remain patient, they remain conscious of what's going on. But then you can see someone who gets angry and they go ballistic and they're crazy. It's like you just exploded a bomb in their brain and there's no more sense anymore. There's no more reason, there's no one to talk to, and that is a very, very dangerous state. And this is what the Talmud says. You want to know a person. You can see who they are when they're angry, where they're not able to control themselves.

27:30
I think if you look at the words kiso, koso, kaso, all rhyme. The Talmud is not known for doing these cutesy things of like. You know rhymes, but they all have a very, very similar sound. That's because they have a similar root. The root word is kis, which means a pocket. They all contain, they need to be contained. Meaning kiso, someone's pocket. How is the money is contained in a pocket. Eikos, a cup has a border, it has a limit, right, it needs to be contained. And so, too, a kas anger, an anger that a person has needs to be contained, like in a pocket. And this is the similar thing. The similarity between these three is that we need to learn to contain these things and to manage them properly. Kibo eis hakas odom nikar.

28:34
A person is identified by how they act when they are angry. Im yisgaber kaso hachmasa, will the anger overcome his wisdom or will the wisdom overcome his anger? Be'osein yonim be'eis hakas bilo han hagas hachma. A person does things when they're angry which doesn't follow reason or intellect, and with this a person can identify their anger. And if someone's wisdom overtakes their anger, you know what happens when someone is truly wise. They don't react to their anger. Something frustrating happens, something that's angering happens, and because they're wise and their intellect is controlling them, they don't allow their anger to explode and to give them a response that's going to be very unbeneficial to their status. The opposite, so to speak, of anger is wisdom. Anger is the void of wisdom. You know the three people that God loves tremendously. Talmud in Psachim tells us. You want to know one of the three people that God absolutely loves, the person who does not become angry.

30:17
Our sages teach us in Ethics of Our Fathers that an impatient person cannot teach. We see from Rav Preda. Rav Preda taught his students what they were learning. He repeated it 400 times. Students still didn't grasp understand, so he repeated it another 400 times. Students still didn't grasp understand, so he repeated it another 400 times. Imagine repeating the same thing 400 times. That's unbelievable. And then to repeat it another 400 times till his student understood what was going on.

30:52
Yimirov kaso atalmidim yireyim mimenu lishol sveko sehim, because someone who gets angry is going to cause the students to fear asking questions. And then, if they're not going to ask questions, pen yichas aleim, they're afraid that he's going to get angered by their silly questions and, as we know here at our tort classes there is no such thing as a silly question. Ein lo lev li foresh la talmidim kol atzorech, and someone who is impatient won't take the time to explain and to thoroughly expand on the topics that are being discussed and learned. Ve'a talmidim afilu she'rabam ko'es alehem yish'alu vi'idag t'kuv le'yachushu alakas discussed and learned.

31:44
Now, if a teacher does have anger issues, so the Mishnah says they shouldn't become a teacher. Not a good trait for a teacher. You need to be calm, you need to be patient, you need to be so willing to repeat yourself again and again and try a different way and try a different example and keep on trying to patiently convey the message to your students. But what's if you're a student and your rabbi is the angry one, pick a new rabbi, no. So our sages tell us that what should you do? Notwithstanding the teacher's anger, they should nevertheless try to ask their questions, ignoring the anger and refraining from quarreling with her teacher about students such as these.

32:36
Our rabbis have said and the absorption of anger will bring forth strife. If one's teacher becomes angry, if one's teacher becomes angry with him repetitively and he remains silent, he merits the ability to differentiate between monetary and capital laws, which are very detailed, meticulous laws that are very, very nuanced, very nuanced, and there's, as our teachers have taught us, that there's nothing more difficult than monetary and capital loss. There's also something very, very when a person is able to contain their anger and remain calm and peaceful. So it brings a lot of virtue, a lot of blessing your way. It brings a lot of blessing your way, just the fact that a person can contain themselves and not say I don't need to get angry, I don't need to. So let's look at the bigger picture for a second.

33:56
Why aren't things going my way? Not because so-and-so did something to me, not because so-and-so decided to pick on me or to cheat me or to be dishonest in business with me and we can have many stories of? Did you see that we have a signed contract? We came to an agreement, we shook on it and this is exactly what we agreed and there was no misunderstanding. Everything was clear.

34:24
Why is it happening to me and why do we get so angry? Because we feel that you violated my trust. You violated. It's angering that you're not doing things the way I understood that it should be done, but the truth is, our sages tell us that one of the reasons a person should not get angry is because we have to realize that every single thing that happens to us happens as a result of God deciding that this is the way it should happen to you, meaning if someone says something that's not kind to you. Why did I need to hear that? Why did God send a messenger to say that to me? Now we're pointing at the person because that's the mouth that it came out of. We're pointing at the person because that's the mouth that it came out of, but the truth is no, that's a vehicle that Hashem sent to show me a message and to tell me something.

35:22
So we can walk around blaming everybody. We can blame our parents, we can blame our siblings, our neighbors, our friends, our spouse, our children, our business partners, our associates, our boss, our HR department and our co-workers. We can blame everybody for everything, or we can see that Hashem orchestrates everything. Hashem is the puppet master and a person cannot do anything. Even it says the blade of grass does not grow without a decree from the heavens that the blade of grass grow. If that's the case, then a person can't utter a word without the Almighty approving it. Now we're in a world where we think that you open up the radio, you listen to any television show and you see people talking and talking and talking and talking, sometimes not even knowing what they're saying, and we think that it's just people talking. The truth is that everything that we hear is a message from the Almighty. Therefore, if someone gets angry, perhaps it might be a sign that they're not recognizing that everything is from Hashem, because the minute I realize everything is from Hashem, I accept it, because I say oh, hashem, you're sending me a message, you're trying to teach me something, which is why you're going to test me with something frustrating. You're going to test me with another thing that's frustrating, and then another thing that's frustrating, to test me and to bring me to a point of serenity, of calmness, where I know I can be relaxed because I'm in the hands of Hashem.

37:00
Now, someone who gets angry does not find favor in the eyes of mankind. Anybody who's been in a room with someone who has a bad temper. Nobody likes to be with them. Nobody likes to be with someone who gets mad and gets angry and someone who's uncontrollably bad tempered likes to be with someone who gets mad and gets angry and someone who's uncontrollably bad-tempered. וְמִּתֹּחַּקַּח, אֵן מָּעַשָב, מִּקֹּבָּלִים, וְאֵן אַבְרִיֹוֹש. And therefore, when someone has this bad trait of anger, even if they know knowledge of Torah or they do good acts of kindness, they give tremendous charity. But be careful. Bad temper, be careful still. Someone like that, who is wise. No one's going to learn Torah from such a person. Bad temper, be careful Still. Ain haolam l'maydimiminof, someone like that, who is wise. No one's going to learn Torah from such a person. No one's going to learn wisdom from such a person.

38:14
It's just like we know that when someone is an angry person and we're in the room, when they're throwing a fit, everyone's like tiptoeing out of the room, slipping their way out the door, because nobody wants to be there. Nobody wants to be next to someone who's angry. A friend of mine told me that when his mom would get angry, his father would call him. He says stay clear from the house tonight. Stay clear, mama's having one of those reactions she's mad, she's angry. Just stay clear. Come home late, because right Now a person should not have to experience that. But unfortunately we all live in a world where there are many, many different people around us and as such, you know, thank God I grew up with two very, very wholesome parents and I never experienced that.

39:16
But I remember I was once sitting in someone's office and this person was running a very big company and one of the main features of their company was that they would have a trade show that they would go to every year I think it was in Vegas for their industry. Go to every year in I think it was in Vegas, you know for their industry and they always paid the extra price of getting a corner booth. That way you get the traffic from all four directions. They get the corner booth. It was very, very important. It's like that's the key to our success. We get that corner booth and that way we get all the traffic.

39:44
In any event, I'm sitting in the office. This is a CEO of a company that I would learn with regularly and he says to me hold on a second, hold on a second. I just got to go check something in the office we would learn in the more of an open area. And we went to his office so we needed to look at some paperwork and suddenly an earthquake happened. Okay, this guy went bonkers because he found out that that year for the expo, for this trade show, for whatever reason, they didn't get their corner spot.

40:20
And I'm talking, this guy went from normal human being, level-headed, honest, decent guy to crazy man in a split second. I mean, like you could not even recognize this person because his face turned all different colors. His voice was wailing and screaming, throwing papers, throwing things, you know, angry and upset at his employees and his assistant. And is this what happened? You better call them and you better get that spotted. Yelling and screaming is like. And then, a couple of weeks later, when we were learning together, he said to me I needed to apologize, for you know I'm so sorry that I didn't react appropriately. You know, when I saw that news and I'm sorry, you were there and you had to see that, but to me the truth is it was a good lesson because I knew that one day I'll be teaching a class about anger and I'll be able to use that example of what it means when you see someone who's totally crazy from anger. He was so mad and so angry and I was. It was you know. Imagine that you try to make a good impression on a business partner with such anger. It's not going to work, no one, because it's a moment of insanity, of total craziness.

41:45
But a person can control their anger. Dorosh of Safar of Safar would tell us the angry man does not find favor in the eyes of others and he is hated by them. As a result, his deeds are not acceptable to others. And even if he possesses Torah and good deeds excuse me, people do not learn from him. Rav Safra expounded the angry man reaps only his anger and the good man is given to taste of the fruits of his deeds. So a good person gets the flavor, gets the taste of his deeds. Good deeds gets good flavor. Someone who's angry only reaps his anger.

42:41
The man of anger is a burden on the members of his household, who must always hear his anger and his complaints, and he is always prone to some mishap, kasan, who covered Albany, beso Hashomim, tamed Kaso, with Clunosov, bikorov, hadover, lo Lavo, lidey, takolom Nipnei, shematil Ema Yisera, and we know that someone who gets angry, who has a bad temper, and we know that someone who gets angry, who has a bad temper, everybody's tiptoeing around them. The family doesn't feel so pleasant. It's not pleasant being in that environment, inside the house, like we know the story of Rabbi Hanina ben Gamliel. The author tells us here the members of his Hanina ben Gamliel that the author tells us here Asher bikshu, b'nei beisula achilo eva menachai. The members of his household attempted to feed him a limb torn from a living animal. A limb torn from a living animal. Rabbi Hanina ben Gamliel did not actually eat the meat. When the kosher meat that was being prepared for Rabbi Hanina was lost, those in charge cut off the limb of a live animal and served it to him out of fear of his reaction to the lost meat. The Gemara explains that Rabbi Hanina ben Gamliel was prevented from eating it by divine intervention. We see from this incident what happens, what might happen when a person's household is overly fearful of him, meaning they were so worried and concerned that they would be yelled at that they were willing to serve him food that was not kosher at all, just so that he not blow a fit that that meat was lost, okay, and now the final sentence here A man of anger does not overlook an affront and does not forgive an insult, and he always takes revenge and holds a grudge which is all biblical prohibitions Okay, and holds a grudge which is all biblical prohibitions, okay.

44:52
So what is someone who is overlooking an affront and someone who's able to forgive, and someone who does not take revenge and does not hold a grudge? So these are all things the Torah says. Not a good thing? First is to overlook an affront. Someone who's able to forgive. Forgiveness is a very, very important fundamental trait.

45:15
The Jewish people have, you know, you see, many Jewish people who are very, very happy. How can we be happy? Look at all the nations of the world that just tried destroying us, that tried harming us, that tried killing us, that tried pogroms against us and holocausts against us, and you name it. What have the Jewish people not experienced? We've experienced everything. Yet we move on and we have a flourishing state of Israel. We have Jewish people all over the world where, only 80 years ago, they tried to destroy us and annihilate us from the face of this earth. And look at the Jewish people. They're back up. Why? Because we're not busy being angry. We move on. We came to America with zero shekels in our pocket and started from scratch. Instead of quetching and complaining, what do we do? Get back to work, because that's our nature.

46:14
But some people want to hold a grudge, and you know those people. Every person in our life we know, every person we know knows somebody who's just that angry person, who can't forgive anything, can't forget. They're always angry at someone who did something to them 45 years ago and they did it intentionally. I've had so many, countless, countless people over the years tell me about the siblings that they don't talk to, about the siblings that they don't talk to why? Oh, you don't know. She didn't invite me to her son's bar mitzvah, so I'm not going to invite them to my daughter's wedding.

46:58
And this revenge goes on back and forth and back and forth. It's such a terrible, petty thing. Be the bigger person and say forget it, it was a mistake, or it got lost in the mail, or even if they say that I just didn't want you to be there. We had a limited amount of seats. We had to cut someplace, overlook and do so much. Good, don't take it personal, don't get angry. Anger cuts and hurts in so many ways.

47:35
But what is revenge and what is a grudge? So revenge is the following so, mark, you ask me to borrow my ladder. I say no, you can't borrow my ladder. I come back to you a week later and say, mark, can I borrow a ladder? The revenge would be you saying you didn't lend me a ladder, I'm not lending you a ladder. Okay, that's revenge. Do you know what it means to hold a grudge when you say I come and ask you for a ladder the next week and you say to me when I asked you for a ladder, you didn't give it to me, but I'm better than that and I'm going to lend you a ladder.

48:16
That's holding a grudge and that the Torah says you're not either allowed to do. What do you mean? You expect me to just forgive and forget? Well, that's the choice we have, the choice of happiness. You can be right or you can be happy. You can be right or you can be happy. You want to be happy, let go.

48:38
I'm sure this rule applies in marriage as well. They say one of the great pieces of advice they say to a married couple is that you can choose to be happy or you can choose to be right. If you insist on being right, you can forget about being happy. If you insist on being happy, forget about being right. So you'll be wrong. Apologize and move on and learn to be better next time. But if you're going to fight about each thing, you'll never be happy. But if you're going to fight about each thing, you'll never be happy.

49:12
And I think Happy News, they say, the difference between adults and children is that children, in the playground, they fight and a minute later they're playing again together. Adults, they fight and 10 years later they're still not talking to each other. Why? Because children, it's more important for them to be happy than to be right. Because children, it's more important for them to be happy than to be right. And to adults, it's more important for them to be right than to be happy. So they hold a grudge and they hold it, and hold it, and hold it, and meanwhile they're miserable and they're so mad and so upset and unforgiving. So this concludes day number 75. But being that we're already 50 minutes in, I think we're going to stop here for today and we will next week. We're going to continue on day 76, in middle of page 450.

50:00
My dear friends, we're going to open the floor to questions. For those of you who are online on Facebook, youtube, twitter, x, rumble and LinkedIn, thank you so much for joining us. We're going to sign off here and please like and share these videos. If you like them and if you're so kind to share them, we appreciate it and, of course, you get the merit of all those who learn from your link. So, thank you so much and have a terrific evening. Those of you who are on Zoom and those of you who are here in the room, you're welcome to unmute your microphones and ask any question that you'd like.

50:34
You know we're all on a journey. We're all on a journey and that's right to do everything we can to bring God the best possible version of ourselves. Right, look? I'm sure that you know. Version of ourselves, right? Look? I'm sure that you know we all have challenges that come up in our lives that we didn't sign up for. But God volunteers us. He says listen, you're the one I'm putting on the trial here to see how you react to this. It's very difficult. Look, I personally you know I'm a rabbi.

51:05
So you think, like, how many crazy things can happen to a rabbi? A lot, okay, a lot of crazy things and I've had people do the most horrific things you can possibly imagine. You know, aside for financial things, which you know obviously is very, very painful for anyone in our generation, you know obviously is very, very painful for anyone in our generation. You know, it's like we work so hard and then someone could be dishonest and someone can can can hurt me. You know it's like I'm a rabbi, like it's not like I have a lot of money. You know what I'm saying. So it's like. And still people are like, and then they turn back at you and they're like you're angry at me, I'm angry at you. I'll tell you like this is that there's no way that we can control other people. We can only control how we react and how we, how we handle things.

51:54
I have found I remember this is probably 10 years ago I had someone who called me and said to me Rabbi, I can't come to your class anymore. I said, why not? He said because there's somebody else in the class that said a comment to me that hurt me so much that I can never see them again. So right. So I said, if you don't mind me asking, share the news, spill the tea right, tell me what's going on. So they said they were inviting people to their party, to some party, and they said to us, they turned to me and my husband, this woman, told me and said no people who make more money than you or something like that, something to that regard. And I was like wow, wow. So I said to her I would also feel that way. But here's what I know great people would do Pray for them, pray for them to see the truth, pray for them to learn to have sensitivity, pray for them to do acts of kindness, pray for them to repent, pray for them.

53:12
And it wasn't more than maybe two months later the woman came back to me. She says not only I'm coming back to class, but I've gained a love for that person. And eventually they became very close friends, because that prayer has a tremendous power, particularly when it comes from someone who I dislike so much. I can't believe they did this to me. How can right? And I say you know what? God, I want you to flip the switch here, flip the script here, because I'm not going to take out anger at them. I'm going to take out mercy Hashem's, like what in the world is going on over here? I gave this person a test and they passed in flying colors. Instead of falling right into the trap of anger, they turned the script and came to a way of mercy, of kindness, of gentleness, of understanding. We're never going to be able to fix somebody else ever. Not our wife, not our husband, not our children. We can't change other people, but we can change ourselves, and that can make an enormous, an enormous influence in the world. When we change ourselves, we change the entire world. I want to share with you.

54:25
Rabbi Sroll Salanter, the founder of the Musa movement, said that he set out in the Musa movement when he started to change the world and then after a little while he realized that he can't change the world, he can only change his country. And then he realized after that that he can't change his country, he can change his city. And then he realized after that he can't change his city, he can change his community. And he realized after that he can't change his community, he can change his city. And then he realized after that he can't change his city, he can change his community. Then he realized after that he can't change his community. He can change his family. And then he realized after that he can't change his family. He can only change himself.

54:58
And by changing yourself you change everything else. So it's so difficult. I know how difficult it is because when someone wrongs you, it's like why, why, what did I do to you? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you harming me? And what happens to it is that it's not only that someone cheats and lies to us, but then they change the script of you know, I didn't do anything. It's not even me 100%, but because here's the thing, here is the thing. If we look at it from the perspective that Hashem is talking to us and communicating to us through that person, they're 100% right. It's us, it's me, and the mistake is me and it's my, because Hashem is talking to me, to them. That's not our problem. We don't have to worry about how Hashem is talking to them, exactly, exactly. So the minute we pray for them, we say Hashem, I realize what you're doing here. You're putting me in this test. I'm going to pass this test, I'm not going to fail it and I'm going to pray for that individual that they succeed. And the truth is is that I would say nine out of 10 times you'll find that it comes back to become a blessing, a huge blessing.

56:26
I'll tell you one quick story. I had a guy who called me up, grown man and he's crying like a six-year-old girl I know, because I have a six-year-old girl. Okay, when they cry and it's irrational and it's like the whole world is against me, type Okay. So he says to me, excuse me. And it's like the whole world is against me, type Okay. So he says to me, excuse me. He says to me, rabbi, today's the worst day of my life and this is between his cries and his tears and his everything. Worst day of my life. Why?

56:59
He says I've been working for my company for 28 years. I give my heart and soul for this company. I bleed. You know you're a Yankee fan, aren't you? You're from New York, you're a Met fan, you are a Yankee fan. So you bleed pinstripes. You know what I'm talking about, right? That's the expression we use in New York. I bleed pinstripes. I'm such a diehard Yankee fan In any event.

57:23
So this guy says I bleed my company logo. Okay. He says that's my life, it's my everything he says and my managing director is a devout Christian and every time he sees me he teases me, knowing that I'm the only Jew in the company in this region in Houston. And he always says to me so when are you going to accept the Lord and Savior? When are you going to accept the Lord and Savior? I pray for you. When are you going to accept the Lord and Savior? He says you know he always laughs it off, but then I was in his office and he says isn't that rude, isn't that disrespectful, isn't that? Either way, one day he told off his boss and the boss fired him after 28 years. So I said to him let's give him a mark. I said mark is here. So so I said mark, you know you're already crying.

58:20
It says that the gates of tears are never, ever closed. I said ask Hashem, what do you want, what do? Ask Hashem what you want, what do you want? Tell me what you want and ask it of Hashem. He says what I want is impossible to ever happen. I said don't say impossible when you talk to God, because there's nothing impossible. He says what I want is to continue working for the company under a different region. But, rabbi, there are over 500 different regions and nobody in the entire company, with over 30,000 employees, works in one region for another region. It's impossible. No exceptions like this. I said don't underestimate Kat, ask it, you're already crying, the gates of tears are open.

59:12
Ask Hashem, and here's a number for a Jewish lawyer. So that's true. I gave him a number to a friend of mine who's a Jewish lawyer and, yeah, I said you know Yaakov, when he went to war with his brother, he had three things he was ready for war with arms, he came with gifts and he went to pray. Those are the way. That's the way we deal with problems in Judaism. You have to have a contingency plan. So what happened? So he called the lawyer and the lawyer filed a suit against the company and they came back to him with a $25 million settlement, discrimination, it was a whole thing. And you know what the guy said I don't want the money, I want my dignity back, I want my job. And they made the only exception in company history where he works in Houston for the Dallas office.

01:00:14
And every time I speak to him he says Rabbi, I remember that phone call, I remember my tear-filled prayer, I remember me saying that it was impossible. But there is no impossible in the hands of Hashem yeah, 100%. But there is no impossible in the hands of Hashem yeah, 100%. And that's the whole process is purifying ourselves, and not only that. You know where he works. He works at home. He says I have the greatest life in the world. I do the job that I love and I don't have to travel 45 minutes each way to the office every day. He says my clients come to me, he rents one of those that I love and I don't have to travel 45 minutes each way to the office every day. I don't. So my clients come to me. He rents one of those WeWorks offices so he can just meet clients there, prepares all of their documents. It's like a dream come true for him.

01:00:59
Look, I don't know your situation and I don't know how difficult it is, because I'm sure it's so incredibly painful and hurtful. Hashem should bench you. You should have tremendous strength to overcome and to perfect. Use it as a tool, as an opportunity to perfect yourself in the process. And you know what? You'll have to give him a yashakach when you're done and thank that person. All right, excellent, everybody. It was so nice to meet you. I look forward to seeing you next week, god willing, all right, terrific. Have a good evening everybody. Thank you so much. I'll see you All the best.

01:01:35 - Intro (Announcement)
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